I always wanted to be in a relationship. There was time that I envied everyone who was in a relationship. I used to feel that I was just wasting my time on this planet by being this fat, unattractive, homosexual 16 year old. No one wanted to touch, no one wanted to deflower me and no one wanted to introduce me to their best friends. There were countless nights were my tears filled my pillow case, there were countless nights were I went on pseudo-dates and I was still rejected. Thinking back, I think I liked the pain rejection inflicted on me. I used always go through with these seemingly bad dates. I used to literally through myself at anyone on every occasion possible. But, I was rejected. I lived in a world with skinny friends that everyone wanted to fucked and I was blissfully unaware of the different gay classifications, I didn’t know that there were cubs, bears, admirers, twinks, gaysians, or otters.
However, a time came and I fell in love and this relationship grew, we were intimate and shared secrets. Nonetheless, he had imperfection,s which bothered me. Then I moved away and we tried the long distance relationship, which I really don’t know how people do. I’m living in a new amazing town. I want to go out, meet people and experience new things. I don’t want to limit building my life here because I have a boyfriend in another country. So what if I go to a bar and a guy wants to take me home? So what if a guy in a bar wants to touch me and kiss me and undress me? Is that living? Isn’t that experiencing new things? Having a boyfriend in another country and having chats on Skype is not fruitful. What I’m experiencing from this Skype-maximized relationship is hardships of trying to get a good signal, of back-channeling, of arguments over who gets to meet new people, of who gets to go out in the weekend. This is probably not what I have signed up for and this…. This shows that I don’t think we should be together.
How do you tell someone that loves more than life itself, that you’re not feeling it anymore? That you’re not excited to see him, that you don’t feel like talking to him, that you have nothing to say to him because he doesn’t really get it. How do you tell him that you’re interested in meeting other guys? How do you tell him that you want to go on dates with different guys and maybe start a relationship with them? How do you tell him that this long distance relationship is not what you want and that I don’t want to commit to this because you feel it’s damaging to who you are? How do you tell this person that the love has gone?
You just do.
You break his heart and you will both cry in each other’s arms.
You cry in your pillow and on Skype while talking to your best friend. You get angry and throw things.
You burn the things he had given you.
You delete all the photos were you were in love and he looked incredibly good.
You wait, you wait till the hurt subsides and you’ll be able to tell the world: ‘I’m ready for love’.