Min hi Doris?

Should I leave him?

I always wanted to be in a relationship. There was time that I envied everyone who was in a relationship. I used to feel that I was just wasting my time on this planet by being this fat, unattractive, homosexual 16 year old. No one wanted to touch, no one wanted to deflower me and no one wanted to introduce me to their best friends. There were countless nights were my tears filled my pillow case, there were countless nights were I went on pseudo-dates and I was still rejected. Thinking back, I think I liked the pain rejection inflicted on me. I used always go through with these seemingly bad dates. I used to literally through myself at anyone on every occasion possible. But, I was rejected. I lived in a world with skinny friends that everyone wanted to fucked and I was blissfully unaware of the different gay classifications, I didn’t know that there were cubs, bears, admirers, twinks, gaysians, or otters.

However, a time came and I fell in love and this relationship grew, we were intimate and shared secrets. Nonetheless, he had imperfection,s which bothered me. Then I moved away and we tried the long distance relationship, which I really don’t know how people do. I’m living in a new amazing town. I want to go out, meet people and experience new things. I don’t want to limit building my life here because I have a boyfriend in another country. So what if I go to a bar and a guy wants to take me home? So what if a guy in a bar wants to touch me and kiss me and undress me? Is that living? Isn’t that experiencing new things? Having a boyfriend in another country and having chats on Skype is not fruitful. What I’m experiencing from this Skype-maximized relationship is hardships of trying to get a good signal, of back-channeling, of arguments over who gets to meet new people, of who gets to go out in the weekend. This is probably not what I have signed up for and this…. This shows that I don’t think we should be together.

How do you tell someone that loves more than life itself, that you’re not feeling it anymore? That you’re not excited to see him, that you don’t feel like talking to him, that you have nothing to say to him because he doesn’t really get it. How do you tell him that you’re interested in meeting other guys? How do you tell him that you want to go on dates with different guys and maybe start a relationship with them? How do you tell him that this long distance relationship is not what you want and that I don’t want to commit to this because you feel it’s damaging to who you are? How do you tell this person that the love has gone?

 

 

You just do.

You break his heart and you will both cry in each other’s arms.

You cry in your pillow and on Skype while talking to your best friend. You get angry and throw things.

You burn the things he had given you. 

You delete all the photos were you were in love and he looked incredibly good. 

You wait, you wait till the hurt subsides and you’ll be able to tell the world: ‘I’m ready for love’. 

The way he holds me

There is nothing softer than his lips on my ear

The way he hums into it 

While holding me close to him

There seems to be no way of escaping 

He holds me and breathes into my ear

He gently kisses my neck 

And he is still holding me

His touch is firm and tight

And I don’t feel afraid in the night 

As he is there to stay, humming in my ear

And holding me close.

We broke up… then what?

I think that this month is a really bad month for couples and relationships. 4 of my best friends have just broken up with their boyfriends and I have another handful whose relationship is on the rocks. 

I mean, what is this? In a relationship, both parties change, change their routines, adapt to the other person in the relationship, but I wonder what happens at one point, do we stop and realise that we have had enough? Do we just give up and stop trying? I mean, should even work for our relationship. I tend to believe that relationships are a product of balance and work. Not work in the job kind of sense, but couples have to work for their relationship to move on and for it to last a zillion years, regardless of how much you and your partner get a long. 

Here I am in Germany having Skype calls with my friends all of which are now single and I wonder and what happens now that we’ve let ourselves of our relationships. For instance, where does the love go? A question many have tried to answer. How does it work? Do we stop loving someone? But what happens to that love? For instance, four weeks after I broke up with my ex, I started to talking to a new guy and we started dating and I was feeling totally confused. I was out of my element because I was feeling a number of feelings which I hadn’t felt before. I was asking questions to myself: Am I sure of my break up? Am I doing the right thing in dating this guy? Now that this guy and I are not dating anymore, I wonder, did I amplify that week with him? Was this amplification a result of the previous love? People engage in some seriously strange behaviours when they break up, some folks opt for the usual let’s get drunk and drunk-dial our exes situation. Others tend to walk past the place where the guy lives hoping to get a glimpse of what he’s doing. Others tend to go on several dates and veto each guy as they start to compare guys. Others tend to go on a sex expedition, you know a sort of sleep with as many guys as possible before someone else comes a long. 

If you’re wondering of what sort of behaviour I engage in, I tend to drink out and wail over guys, but since I’m not living so far away from my friends, who would usually be there to hold me together, I am not doing anything. I am actually trying to put whatever is going on in writing just to let it out. When I lived in London, I had a thing for one night stands, but for reason, here in Cologne I’m not really feeling it. I think that since sex here is more easily available I feel that I am less drawn to it. Well, now that is surely a fucked up mentality. Well at least I am keeping safe. 

What about you dear readers? What behaviours do you and your friends engage in when you break-up? What do you do post break up? 

Post-Relationship

Relationship, relationship, relationship. Being in a relationship was something I was wanted, since I was 14 and come out on the school playground. I always thought that once one is a relationship things in life would be just easy. I thought that once you have a boyfriend, things will just fall into place. Well, that was the idea projected from the Disney movies I used to watch on repeat when I was younger. Clearly, things weren’t as easy as I thought. 

After going on myriads of horrible dates and after being told directly to my face that I’m an ‘ugly fatty’ who won’t ever fall in love- I just gave up and gave in to my sexual needs. So I started sleeping around and exploring sex, which was amazing. I tried different things and had my fair share of clean safe sex. However, deep down there was always this emptiness. So I used to feel hungry, I used to eat. I used to have an erection and I used to have sex. I used to feel the need to be loved and what could I possible give myself? Admittedly, I had my friends who were pillars for my stability. For over 3 years, I got into this routine. Out of nowhere, this 19 year old just-out-of-the-closet guy and I started dating. I started to feel things I had never felt before. I started to realise that I was missing out on something. There was this person ready to love me in a way no one had ever done. Someone who was there to take on this journey. Nonetheless, I felt that there was something missing. I felt that there was some certain disconnect- I felt too experienced for him, or for me was too inexperienced. He had just come out. And the question that I kept on asking to myself was ‘Had I just settled down?’ This brought about a lot of confusion and dulled my part of the relationship, and the thing is how does one bring this up in a conversation with your partner, the same guy who adores you and would give anything to make you happy? 

I had no answers to my million questions, but I was living my life with this guy and there were days where I had no questions and the days shone brighter than diamonds. And there were some which were dark and dull. It was time for me to move again, this time for 3 years. I told my boyfriend that I think the best idea for us was to go our separate ways. Not because I did not love him, but I so wanted a relationship that I couldn’t be in a long distance relationship. I didn’t want to have 3 hours of Skype a day and 4 good days every four months. I want to live the ups and downs of the relationship. I want to make stupid jokes and hear you laugh, I want to call when his favourite band is on the radio, I want to run to your house and hug you. I want to go on dinners and walks late at night. Now that I had warmed up to the idea of a relationship, I didn’t want it to be so far away, not living in real time. 

So I decided to let go, which in writing sounds so easy, but it wasn’t. I was so scared of letting go and regretting it all. I was afraid of being alone. I was afraid that I would never find someone so loving and so patient. Most of you will definitely judge me on this, but Aidan and Carrie never made it to the alter, even after they tried to mend the broken pieces. He was too good for her and she needed someone who would push her. And here I am, I let Aidan go… and I took another chance.